That Which We Call a Guido Gorilla Juicehead / By Any Other Name Would Look as Tan.

a review of A Shore Thing by Snooki (of all people)

The past three summers have made me question the common assumption that summer = joy. They have not been good times for me. I have felt uncertain of the future and itchy in the present. Sometimes literally itchy. In 2018 I thought I had bed bugs for the second time in my life, waking up every night, face illuminated by Wikihow, flipping my mattress and running my library card along the seams looking for bugs. There were no bugs. But I always felt itchy and my apartment had no central air and I didn’t have a job and didn’t want to spend money but I couldn’t sit on the bed and my apartment had no living room. This year there are no bugs, not even a thought of bugs, but there is the same uncertainty that makes me feel stuck, joyless, like I’m sinking into the quicksand of life because I make the wrong decisions. Haha I am gloomy!!! Maybe if I were tan I would be less gloomy.

A Shore Thing written by the mononymous Snooki of “We’re going to Jersey Shore, Bitch!” fame (and an assumed ghost-writer) reads like a Sarah Dessen book blasted with fake tan, drenched in tequila, and inexplicably rhinestoned. Everything that happens you’re like “ok, why” until you flip through your cultural Rolodex to Jersey Shore season 1 and then you’re like “nevermind, checks out. WAa!”

Gia and Bella are italianate cousins from Brooklyn spending a summer at the Jersey Shore. They have a Honda and a landlord named Stanley Crumbi which is a hilariously made-up name, second only to the hotel manager named Al Fresco. Hijinks ensue as they look for love aka gorilla juiceheads, reignite an old rivalry with high school enemies, capture the attention of a fireman and gym owner respectively, reinvigorate a tanning business and decide whether or not to go to NYU.

Gia gets a job at a tanning salon under the management of Maria, who I can only imagine as Magda from There’s Something About Mary. If we do the math, Gia must work .5 hours/week because most of her time is spent on hijinks. Like when she walks the beach to watch the gorilla juiceheads work out and comes across a beached shark at the mercy of annoying teens. Gia steps in to protect the shark, warning it “Don’t eat me, Bitch!” The whole thing is captured on flip phone video and becomes a viral sensation.

Incidents of eco-justice and economic analysis aside, gorilla juiceheads drive this story. That which we call a guido gorilla juicehead / By any other name would look as tan. Different strokes for different folks, but these dudes do not seem appealing to me at all? Still, A Shore Thing adds to the consensus that we must stay away from rich white preppy dudes with BMW’s at all costs because they are incapable of basic human empathy. Bella happens upon “Bender” who at first seems like a “nice kid,” but calls Gia a “fucktard” and is actually pursuing Bella as part of a game with his friend Ed where they pick one random girl to try and bone, and if they fail it’s the other one’s turn, etc. Worry not, fair reader, these two twots get their just desserts by the end of the book when they are stripped naked and shot! With paintball guns. That’s shore justice.

If there’s one thing I crave amidst covid-induced solitude and living-at-home induced immaturity, it is a big ol house filled with friends, friends of friends, and hot dudes with late night talk show host personalities. Until then, I will be watching Jersey Shore season 1, using my cheeto-dusted fingertips to respectfully skip intro :(