Friendship is Big, Like How I Wish The U.S. Government Could Be

a review of Big Friendship by Aminatou Sow and Ann Friedman

When I first learned about the concept of death, I thought “I do not like this.” I’m still not a fan but it consumes me less; I’ve decided to use my bandwidth on more pressing concerns like: whether or not people are mad at me and if that thing I said once about vacation houses was weird. But when I was 10 I was obsessed with the Ramones, pigs, the handwriting from the opening credits of Legally Blonde and the prospect of my own death. I am nothing if not risk-averse, so I prepared for the inevitable premature death by writing a will in grey felt pen.

The will is an unfinished 16 bullet point list in a half-filled journal, on one side of the page I correctly solve 50 minus 32 and show my work. I bequeath my all my books to my mom, my sports equipment to my dad, and crafts, wristbands, board games, CDs, DVDs, to my elementary school friends and my family. I love the concept of my grieving grandma grappling with the news of my premature death but feeling consoled by her newly inherited glass collection (that she had given me in the first place). For item number #9, I ask that my stationary go to Lauren Volpert, a girl I met on vacation once. I think it must have been that we were penpals but I don’t recall exchanging letters, only meeting in a hotel once and saying “we should be penpals.” To be 8 years old and receive a box of pig notecards, erasers that look like hamburgers, and notepads that tell you to “follow your dreams…” from a girl you met once in a hotel…

For an official legal document, it’s a little hard to find. It’s sandwiched between journal entries in which I lament not getting as many house points as my best friend (sour jealous woman!!!) and hope that the same friend will be allowed to come over for dinner. Friendship, per my journal, is a wracked enterprise and everyone’s names are spelled wrong. Sure, there are best friends who you bequeath all your clothes to, but they’re really no different from your cousin or a girl you met once in a hotel. You might share “Best Friend” necklaces you bought at Disney World with one person, but everyone is still invited to your birthday party.

But friendship evolves. There are countless odes to girlhood friendship and the lifeline it provides, but so little for its adulthood iteration. Big Friendship by Aminatou Sow and Ann Friedman answers the call with a bedtime story of their own friendship—one that is “big” like how I wish the U.S. government could be. It’s engaging but stops short of the guts-on-display personal essay. There’s so much it doesn’t divulge, which is fine but makes the whole book feel like an appetizer. They write with a motive: to tell the world (people who follow the wing on instagram) about their friendship and its trials, tribulations and triumphs. It's a bunch of stories about two people on FaceTime. Every time I started reading this book, I felt like: why don't I just FaceTime one of my friends right now instead of reading this book.

I do care deeply about friendship and think it hasn’t received its just adoration in the public’s consciousness. I admire Big Friendship as an attempt to do this (but think Broad City/Fleabag did it better). I tried to write this 5 separate times with different stories about my best friends: when Vedrana and I went to sleep at 8 pm at a sleepover, when I woke myself up laughing because Jess was in my dream, when I met Anthea sophomore year and felt so nervous in the lounge full of boys but thought “Ok it’ll be fine because this girl is here.” Every story fell flat, sinking like a pinpricked air-mattress. I think we’re all so addicted to love stories that we try and shoehorn friendships into the same narrative to imbue them with the same gravitas. Sometimes this works—if you feel like wrecking yourself read Jared Misner’s “My Best Friend Is Gone and Nothing Feels Right.”

Friendships done right are so perfect and funny that they defy narrative! It’s hard work to be so soft. Big props to Aminatou and Ann for trying.